I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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