After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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