Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
