Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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