My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
