i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
