Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
