We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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