Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
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You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
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I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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