He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
