chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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