Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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