I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
