The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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