I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
