I think my vagina is haunted
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Who put my cat in the fridge?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
