I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
