dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
