I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
