i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
