someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
