Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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