Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
