this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
