I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
