His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
