I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
