The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
