The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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