He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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