I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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