dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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