Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
