my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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