it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
