Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
