sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
why do cheetos always look like penises
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
