the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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