A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
