She went from zero to smokin in five shots
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
