don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
