Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
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There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
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By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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