All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
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If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
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I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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