that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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