apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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