i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Randomize
