Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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