You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
