I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
