This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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