I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
