my mouth tastes like poor choices
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
