I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You ruined the universe
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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