Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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