god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
