If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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