He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
