she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
