she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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