I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
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I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
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I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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