If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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