if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
